No Seat at The Table: The Pain of Friendships That End or Never Even Began
Have you ever had to wipe away tears from being uninvited or rejected? I have spent a lot of my years trying to find a seat at tables that didn’t welcome me. Grieving the loss of what would never be, and sometimes grieving the loss of what was no more.
Rejection is painful.
Non-acceptance is also painful.
Friends who stop choosing us aches, too.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE ACHE OUT LOUD?
Why don’t talk about this more? I am confident everyone experiences friendship rejection on some level. It hurts when someone doesn’t choose us. A natural consequence of this hurt, is to exprience grief. Grief means we have feelings to process. A critical step is to acknowledge and feel those feelings. I’ve felt the heartache of not receiving the group hangout invite from someone I thought considered me a close friend. The sting of the person who appears to dodge the invite to hang out…the person who doesn’t message back… We can’t be friends with everyone. Yet I confess as an extrovert I constantly wrestle the desire to be a friend to all the people. (Am I alone in that?) I know that’s unrealistic. I’m aware that it opens me up for experiencing more pain, rejection, and being passed over, too.
Maybe I’m wrong…But I think we have all experienced someone rejecting us, not inviting us, or “unfriending” us in real life. I don’t think it’s ill will on the other’s part either. Sometimes it appears or may truly be they don’t think of me the same as I had thought of them. Reality is, people are different. Sometimes my “extra-ness” is a bit much, and I’m not someone’s cup of tea or perhaps I’m not extra enough? They’re not “bad” for any of this. And I’m not “less than” either. It hurts me to realize too, I’ve probably caused someone the heartache of a friendship waning. It’s certainly never my intention to lose a friend nor to be the source of someone’s pain…
TO THOSE WHOM HAVE BEEN REJECTED, TOO
I want to say again that I know the pain of such a broken heart, and I hope I can encourage you today in knowing first: you are not alone. Second – I know personally that good can be found, even in painful moments. Third – you are amazing and loved and there ARE people who love you and love being your friend! We just sometimes have to stop dwelling on those who aren’t choosing us, and realize the incredible gift in the ones who do.
I was watching a movie recently and the lead actor asked an incredibly wonderful question to his teen co-star “would you rather have 200 Instagram friends or 5 real ones?”
Social media makes this difficult for sure. It can often feel like we were left off of a list or never thought of. In the “sharing-only-the-highlights” space of social threads, it can seem like everyone has a much more amazing life than our own. It’s easy to forget that people don’t air out their brokenness on the permanent threads of the internet (well…most don’t.) Rest assured, they have dirt and mess in their lives just like the rest of us.
NEXT TIME YOU AREN’T INVITED…
I’m learning that God has given me the gift to choose my the story I’m telling myself. I can choose in the moment to recognize my thought patterns. When I see a “table” I wasn’t invited to, I can recognize when I am allowing my mind to claim a victim/villain assumption where I feel uninvited or rejected. To pause and decide what I want to believe and what I want my mind to contemplate in response. If I put Philippians 4:8 into practice, then I will choose to shift my mind to the beauty that is in my life. The friends that love me and enjoy relationship with me, and not dwell on things or relationships I don’t have.
I can choose to dwell on those that didn’t invite me, or I can choose to enjoy quiet space at home (JOMO!) or text a friend (or friends) and create some memories!
What I know is that friendships come and go. Sometimes you’ll meet people who have had a friend or friends for decades, many of us experience what I call seasonal friendships. Such friendships are not meant for the long haul, however the friendship has purpose in the season of life you’re in. The next time you experience one of these beginning to wrap up… Would you join me in choosing to trust God with our hurting hearts as the relationship comes to a close?
Let’s also choose to be okay when a friendship doesn’t take root. Let’s choose to be joyful about the people God guides us into relationship with, rather than dwelling upon the chair that never opened up.
LET’S MAKE A PACT…
If you want great friendships, you have to invest in those relationships. I know this and try to practice it consistently. Yet, sometimes I’m sure I don’t measure up and am not an awesome friend. But I try with my whole friend-loving-heart to steward these gifts of relationship well. I try to love the ones God places in front of me through being intentional with connecting and time. And even with a treasured sisterhood circle, I have times where I wrestle the grief of those that don’t show an interest in me, or are drifting away. Perhaps I’m not alone?
Can we make a friendship pact today?
Let’s agree to choose gratitude for the gifts of friendships around us. The enemy loves to distract you with discontent over what you don’t have. This in turns, distracts you from the joy at the good in your life. Let’s be intentional with the friends we have through texting, coffee/tea/lunch/breakfast/whatever hangs, and create space for connecting. Choosing to nurture the relationships we have, and put down those phones/apps when social media tells us that our reality isn’t as good as __(insert comparison trap here)__.
Want a girls weekend like ___ had? Prayerfully contact some girls and plan it. Get out there and live, love, and make memories!
CLOSING THOUGHTS
Pray and find your tribe, draw close, and dive into the deep with them. Flourish in the gift of reciprocated friendship. You’ll find the most amazing sense of belonging you’ve longed for in that sacred circle of sisterhood.
I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have the 5 than the 200.
“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”
Proverbs 27:17 NLT
